Job Description: Coaching professional football players. Must know all rules of American Football. Must also meet with media several times a week, win or lose. May be fired in a year. Must be ok with media leaks from within the organization, potentially involving you. Winning attitude a plus. Generous compensation. Guaranteed contract. Exciting job environment. Genius bosses. Please send resume to: Trent Baalke co Jed York.
In the land of the Santa Clara 4-12ers, there was a big announcement today. (I know, they finished 5-11 by some miracle of god, but let’s not let that taint their true name). The team’s Boy Price, Joffrey, er… Jed York stepped up to the podium today to tell us… well, not much. He wasn’t happy with another Niners Season From Hell, and that isn’t good enough for Joffrey, because he ONLY wants to win championships! Because of that, Jed told us that Jimmy Tomsula has been ‘relieved of his duties,’ which is a nice way of Jed saying ‘We didn’t want to fire him, but… holy cow, is he is a bad coach. Like, he might not even know all the rules. Even we didn’t think he could have been this awful. Our bad.”
Yorkie’s favorite phrase was that he ‘wouldn’t get into the details,’ which he said a lot. He also used the word ‘championship’ around three hundred times, because when Yorkie was a kid, the franchise won some of those famous Lombardi Trophies. Joffrey… er, Jed then said the name ‘Jimmy’ a handful of times, referring to recently fired (and never should have been hired in the first place) Jimmy Tomsula. He certainly didn’t forget to mention his uncle, Eddie DeBartolo, a few dozen times, sharing stories like this gem. Paraphrasing:
‘JUST this morning, my uncle texted me. It was at 5:15 am! Isn’t that crazy! So early, I know! Because I am a busy and important business man, I wake up SUPER early, and called him at 5:20. This is important because… well… my uncle owned the San Francisco 49ers when they were actually good. People forget that.’
After giving non-answers and talking in circles for another twenty-ish minutes, Yorkie went to go hide out for another few months and hope for a miracle.
Trent Baalke, the team’s main football guy, is now in charge of finding a new head coach, since they won’t be utilizing the genius of Jimmy T any longer. Unfortunately, they can’t simply hire one of the best American Football coaches in the world, because they fired him last year, and have repeatedly thrown him under the bus since then.
So, if Jimmy Harbaugh isn’t walking through that door, who are the potential candidates for the job of Head Coach of The San Francisco 49ers? Let’s take a look at the candidates, analyze the tea leaves, and calculate the odds they are actually hired:
1. Chip Kelly. Ahhh… The Chipper. Personally, I would be happy with this hire. At least the dude thinks outside the box and isn’t afraid to go for it on fourth down more than twice a season. On the flip side of the coin, he is supposedly a tough guy to deal with, which hasn’t worked well for the Jed York the Boy Prince in the past (see: Harbaugh, Jimmy). The Chipper will also command a decent salary ($7m+), something which the Boy Prince absolutely HATES. Odds: -750
2. Sean Payton. Word on the street is that Seanie and Drew Brees (Breesie?) are on the outs in Nawlins. However, Seanie still has two years on his contract at $8m per. Meaning, the other word on the street, is that it would take a 1st or 2nd round pick to procure his services from Los Saints. Jed HATES paying for expensive coaches, and Baalke HATES trading away draft picks. This isn’t happening, unless the Saints ‘mutually part ways’ with Mr. Payton. Odds; -1500
3. Adam Gase: The Niners did a multi-song tango with Gasey last year, and supposedly had a handshake deal, before Yorkie came in at the last minute and tried to force Jimmy T down his throat as his Defensive Coordinator. Gasey wisely said absolutely… not. And that was that. I doubt he wants to come dance again, unless the price is really high. Around $8 Ms a year, I’m guessing. Not happening. Odds: -3000
4. David Shaw: One of the top coaching candidates in all the land. Could have virtually any head coaching vacancy he wanted, if he decides to leave Stanford. He could probably have a lot of head coaching NON-vacancies if he really wanted them. However, seems very happy at Stanford, is already really well compensated, has a legit Heisman candidate in McCaffrey coming back next season, and the York/ Baalke combo did Shaw’s boy Jimmy Harbs really dirty last year. Not happening. Odds: -10000
Which leaves us with:
5. Hue Jackson: Another guy that the Niners braindead trust did a dance with back in 2011, before eventually hiring Jimmy Harbaugh. THIS is the guy I think they will end up hiring. He should command a bit lower salary than the others, since he won’t be in as much of demand as Chipper or Seanie. In fact, there is a decent chance that Hue doesn’t even get any other head coaching offers. Perfect for the Niners, since they get to control the negotiations (translation: lower salary). Win! He won’t want as much personnel control as the other candidates, and will be plenty happy just to be a head coach and make that tasty, tasty head coaching money. AND, in his only full season as a head coach, he went 8-8! This hire feels perfect, and would likely mean two 8-8 seasons before he gets fired.
So, without any further ado, introducing the new Head Coach for YOUR Santa Clara 4-12ers…….
Get excited for an 8-8 season, Niner Faithful.
Next year at this time, the Boy Prince will be saying something along the lines of: “8-8? Well… That’s pretty great! Hue is coming back! Only a few more moves and we are Championship!”